Oh dear.you look dreary and oh so weary.
Your tossing and turning, are your lips burning?
You want a drink to sooth the pain?
Ha, no drink will sooth these nightmares!
Rest your head on this pillow, its like a mothers warm arms.
Here, there are no troubles, there are no harms.
But beware, of the nightmare!
BAM! They hit with the devil's personal care.
They are dreaded and terrifying
They will keep you horrified till morning.
And if you luckily awake, your eyes
will wonder wishfully, weeping.
But I am here, I will protect you, If just for a moment
I'll be your savior,
And all that's been said will be you sleeping tale.
I'll keep you safe, I do not lie.. I will not fail.
I like the word dreary. :D And the face that you talked about nightmares. Which is funny because I had a nightmare just the other night (another pregnant dream)
ReplyDeleteTo improve this beautiful poem, one could put a comma before "till" because it's not a real word. And you form of "its" is not correct. JUST SAYING.
THIS IS YOUR RHYME SCHEME (I hate that you made me type this out. Jerk)
A
B
C
D
E
E
D
D
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
L
.....I think that's right.
Your tone to me is caring, with a touch of fear..maybe?
1. BAM! -Nice touch.
2. "I'll keep you safe" Aww, you're so caring!
3. "Dreaded" I;m liking that word.
While reading this I thought of a crying child who just wants their mommy. Nice touch you sadistic jerk. (JUST KIDDING.)
Alliteration="Will wonder wishfully, weeping" I like W's.
Your internal ryme was found in line one. "Dreary" and "Weary"
I did not see personification in this poem. You should work on that.
Your onomatopoeia was "BAM!" Which I enjoy very much, as I had already said.
-Adyline.
Very Dark Ashley. Very Very Very Very Very Dark. This would definitely be published in a horror poetry book because it is creepy and vivid. I like that. There's not much I can say to improve this poem. It's good enough already. The rhyme scheme was:
ReplyDeleteA
B
C
D
E
E
D
D
B
B
F
B
G
H
I
I
Interesting rhyme scheme. The tone of this poem was extreeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmlllllyyyyy dark. This was the sort of poem that would give someone goosebumps, and an adreanalin rush. Imagery was alive and weel in this poem. Alliteration was used stanza 2 line 4. Internal rhyme was used stanza 1 line 1. Personification was used stanza 2 line 1. Onomatopoeia was in stanza 2 line 4.
Jacob Witmer
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis poem seems to be about promising someone they will be safe. One question I have for line two, stanza one is what you meant by "lips are burning." I also have a question about the third stanza. Have you had nightmares like that, because it sounds like you have?.. Why did you choose to write a whole poem about nightmares? Whatever the reason I really liked your poem, even though I usually wopuldn't like a poem about nightmares.
ReplyDeleteYour 4 examples of simile/metaphor are "like a mothers warm arms," "hit with the devil's," "lips burning," and "drink." ... I think ...
I think that the whole poem is a symbol for what makes you fell safe... I like it. :) You are really good! :D
^That was Beth!!!^(Sorry...) =^_^=
ReplyDeleteThis poem is about having nightmares and someone trying to help the person having them not be afraid anymore.
ReplyDeleteOn line 1 you wrote "Oh dear.you look dreary and oh so weary." Why did you decide to put a . between dear and you?
Stanza 1 makes it feel like you are trying to talk to the readers of the poem. Did you purposely do that?
Why did you choose to write about nighmares?
Similes/metaphors- "lips burning", "no drink will sooth these nightmares", "like a mothers warm arms", "hit with the devil's".
I think the whole poem is a symbol of fear and someone trying to help the other and make everything be okay.
Reagannnnn :)