H20
Parked like a car on the gritty sand
Taking the weight off my feet
Through the waves I run a lingering hand
The scent of mist in the air so sweet.
Torrents of gushing water crashing crazily to the core
Booming with rage like a cannon.
Hopping amid craggy rocks swept ashore,
Waves destructive as a nuclear weapon.
Tumbling to the surface,
Piercing echoes from two cymbals striking,
A short-lived twister surging along steep slopes,
A cyclone much to my liking.
Rapids of water rising proud like a cloud,
Quilts pieced together from patches of white.
A breath taking natural wonder
Larger than Life.
Booming with rage like a cannon.
Hopping amid craggy rocks swept ashore,
Waves destructive as a nuclear weapon.
Tumbling to the surface,
Piercing echoes from two cymbals striking,
A short-lived twister surging along steep slopes,
A cyclone much to my liking.
Rapids of water rising proud like a cloud,
Quilts pieced together from patches of white.
A breath taking natural wonder
Larger than Life.
I really enjoyed how you made the first line so expressful. You make your poem more interesting by having many adjectives. One thing that I think could be improved is the rhyming. Another idea would be to make it more smoothly to read.
ReplyDelete1) There is no rhyme scheme. Only two lines rhymed. I think you could have put "Torrents of gushing water crashing like blocks." Then it would have rhymed with the third line.
2)I felt the poets tone was peaceful.
3)I liked how she put the water was foaming like clouds. She made it a strong poem by saying a breath taking natural wonder. The line that is very strong and expressful is when u said, "Peircing echoes from two cymbals striking.
4)One example of imagery was gushing water crashing to the core.
5)Crashing to the core was the alliteration.
6)There wasn't internal rhyme used.
7)Personification was used by peircing echoes from cymbals.It was in line six.
8)There was little onomatopoeia used. In line two she used the word booming.
Kelsie Hibbs
I really enjoyed the vivid imagery throughout the entire poem. The great examples of cyclones and comparisons of the loud sounds of water to a cannon really brought this poem alive.
ReplyDeleteTo improve, it would help if the poem had a rhyme scheme. Just a few word replacements will make this possible. Also, it might be helpful if the poem's meaning or at least general idea was a bit clearer.
1) This poem has no rhyme scheme. A few word replacements will easily fix this problem.
2) The tone of this poem appears to be in awe and wondering.
3) I like the way that the water wasnt't just water, they were "torrents of gushing water." Also, I liked how the sound was described as "booming with rage like a cannon," as well as the water described as a cyclone and twister.
4) An example of imagery was "rapids of water foaming like a cloud."
5) There is no alliteration in the poem. A few examples about "bubbling, blue, etc. water"
6) There is no internal rhyme. A few simple word replacements will easily clear up this problem.
7) Water "hoppping amid craggy rocks" was an excellent use of personification in line 3.
8) "Booming with rage like a cannon" was a good use of onomatopoeia in line 2.
Filip Mazurek
So much great imagery here: the quilts pieced together with clouds, the short-lived cyclone much to your liking, the nuclear-esque waves. The only image that didn't quite work for me was the cymbals crashing-- it seems too harsh and metallic for water. Is there another crashing image you could pick that's a little more like the water's movement?
ReplyDeleteDr. Benson