Swim
The feeling is like I'm floating on the moon
As bubbles dance up like lttle balloons
As I come to the surface my breath gets harder and harder
Now I see the clear, blue water
As bubbles dance up like lttle balloons
As I come to the surface my breath gets harder and harder
Now I see the clear, blue water
Less than a second left on the clock
Focused on the water as I go off the block
I see the wall coming into my turn
As I push off and kick my legs start to burn
Splishing and splashing as I move through the water
I can hear my coach yell, just a little bit harder
Back, breast, fly and free
That's the life of a swimmer, that's me
Under the water I swim like a fish
First at the wall is what I wish
In the final lap, I swim my best
So I'll be touching the wall ahead of the rest!
Jenna, I love this poem because it's really care free and it describes your passion for swimming. I don't think that you could really improve it anymore because what your wrote came from the heart and I think that what someone write the first time is how they wanted it. Your rhyme scheme was A,A,B,B. Your tone was enthusiastic and inspirational. I loved the two lines "Splishing and splashing as I move through the water, I can hear my coach yell 'Just a little bit harder!'" You used alliteration with the line "Back, breast, fly and free." You used onomatopoeia when you said "Splishing and splashing."
ReplyDelete-Franchesca
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ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this poem because I can tell this is something you love to do, without knowing you. I also liked that this poem was about victory. You should keep on using uplifting subject for your poems, and always put your feelings of whatever you are writing about in the poem. A A B B C C D D E E F F
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be very determined to win, and happy about what you're doing. "Back, breast, fly and free" "First at the wall is what I wish" "So I'll be touching the wall ahead of the rest!" Imagery in this poem would have to be when you said "As I push off and kick my legs start to burn" Alliteration - "splishing and splashing" in the second stanza, first line. I don't see any example of internal rhyme. Maybe if you made on of your lines just one, and added something else about swimming that's important to you. I don't see any personification either. Maybe you could say the water was giving you encouraging words, or something like that. I didn't see an onomatopoeia. You could say a key word that represents maybe how fast you are swimming.
Jayla Shade
-I liked that Through your desciption i could really see you swimming through the water and i can tell that swimming is your passion.
ReplyDelete-There is not much to improve on but i like how it was so descriptive and and that there were lots of comparisons. you should keep writing like this.
1. A,A,B,B
2. determination
3. like a fish, slpishing, slpashing
4. Focuse on the water as i go off the block
- Jenna, I really enjoyed the last stanza you wrote. I think you did a great job wish really explaining how it's like when your swimming, and what you feel like. - I also enjoyed the second line of your first stanza. The way you started out the poem was in an interesting way, and i liked how you went right from being at the race.
ReplyDeleteTwo suggestions about your poem, would be to talk about being in the water more, and how it really feels. I would talk about swimming more too, because your a swimmer, and you have a passion for it.
1) The rhyme scheme was AA, BB
2) The poet's tone is very exciting and thrilling, talking about swimming in a race.
3)Three interesting words of diction: "Under the water I swim like a fish", "Back, breast, fly and free", and "Splishing and splashing as i move through the water."
4) An example of imagery was "Under the water I swim like a fish". I thought about a fish swimming very fast, and I pictured it clearly.
5) Alliteration was used in the second stanza, 3rd line. It said, Back, Breast, fly and free.
6) Internal Rhyme wasn't used. I know this is hard to do sometimes, but If you really think about it, then it will eventually come to you.
7) Personification wasn't used. An example of what you could of done, was maybe using the clock somehow, like "The clock kept on telling me to move faster". Something like that is an exaple of personification. Just an idea for you.
8) An otnomotopeia was used as "Splishing and Splashing. It was in the Second stanza, first line.
- Ciara Nevin
This poem is about the feeling and joy of swimming. How did you come up with such great ideas? How were you feeling when there was only a second left on the clock in stanza 2? In line 6, what is a block? 4 metophor/simile are 1)as bubbles dance up like little balloons, 2)Now I can see the clear blue water 3)under the water I swim like a fish 4)as I push off and kick my legs start to burn. Moon- light, free, flying, realaxed, big, and happy.
ReplyDeleteDevin Jones :)
1. The poem is about swimming and how it makes you feel.
ReplyDelete2. In line 15, why do you only swim your best in the final lap?
3.In stanza 1 you describe how it feels when you swim, do you like it?
4. Have you ever wanted to anything but swimming?
Maggie Snively