Where I Lie Part 2
"Bang! Bang! Bang!" screams my gunOne by one they fall, but they just keep crawling closer
I hope there are survivors, but I'm sure I'm the only one
Soon there will be none left.
I begin to run out of the room, but i already know I am doomed
As i look around, i see the world dying around me
The smell of death is everywhere, the air heavy with the smell of blood
I try to flee from this terrible place, but no matter where I run they horrible sight follows me
They are drawing closer, longing for my blood
I know I am doomed, and my gun falls with a thud
I stand there as they come for my flesh
And I know soon to come is my death
So here I am, where I lie
Knowing soon, I will die
But I don't care any more
As I lie here and mourn
http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/2554013/Where_I_Lie_Part_2
i realy enjoyd how you made the charecter loose all hope and how you made me think of zombies without actualy saying what they are.
ReplyDeleteyour rhyming sucks, you need more of it and it also needs to be better.
1. the very limited rhyme scheme was completely random.
2. hopeless and sad
4. the shots of the gun, it shows you were fighting agaisnts something.
survivors, it shows that something terrible had happend.
moun, it shows that the charecter was in pain, phycicaly and/or mentaly.
5. keep crawling closer, line 2
6. room and doomed, in line 5
7.the screaming of the gun, i like how you did that btw
8 band, bang, bang
but nice poem, i like all the doom and hoplessness of the setting. also how its described as a story
ReplyDeleteI liked the imagery you gave and and the onomanopiea. My sugsstion is to be so vile and work on rhyme. Rhyme sheme is A,B.A,B. The poets tone is scared . One intersesting use of diction is crawling closer. " as I look around, I see the world dieing around me. keep calling closer was a use of alleration.No use of inernal rhyme. When you said BANG BANG BANG screams my gun that was a sue of personifacation. Line 1.BANG BANG BANG was also a use of onomatopiea. Line 1.
ReplyDeleteKyren Phillipsf
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ReplyDeleteVery morbid, Sir Lucas, very morbid indeed. But I like morbid things, so I like this poem. The imagery was more than good..it was ggrreeeat. This is a pleasant contrast to the other happy, fluffy, rainbow poems. There is hardly anything I dislike about this poem. Capitalize 'I' and add MORE GORE!
ReplyDelete1)ABAB? Wasn't completely consistent.
2) Morbid, depressing, hopeless, dark.
3) "doomed", "crawling", "terrible"
4) "The smell of death is everywhere, the air heavy with the smell of blood." Line 8
5) "One by one they fall, but they just keep crawling closer" Line 2
6) I don't see a use of internal rhyme.
7) "and my gun falls with a thud.."
8) BANG x 3
Justice Redman says: yay done.
1. The poem is about zombies killing a person.
ReplyDelete2.I do not understand line 8. Did you mean to say "but no matter where I run the horrible sight follows me"?
3. I do not understand the first stanza. Are you talking about there being no survivors or no zombies left?
4. What made you think about making zombies the subject of your poem?
Evan Lynn
Similes and metaphors: I can not find any
ReplyDeleteRun: chetah, cross country, track shoes sports time, bell, fast.
Evan Lynn
1 a dude being chased and killed by zombies
ReplyDelete2 line 8, whats the horrible place your running from?
3 stanza 1, what are you shooting
4 what happend to everyone?
nick pirrong
Add a simile after "As i look around, i see the world dying around me" and after "They are drawing closer, longing for my blood"
ReplyDeleteEvan Lynn