Without You
As I lay here in my bed
Thoughts of joy and happiness are running through my head
I can't help but think then of your sweet smile
Someday I wish to see you again, even if only for a while
Thump goes my heart, like a softly beating drum
Even though you're gone, you'll always be my special one
Slow like a snail, hours pass throughout this dreary night
When I'm sad and lonley, you whisper "it's alright"
Listening to our favorite song
Singing every note, not caring if it was wrong
Days like this I won't forget
Especially the day we met
I remember every moment we spent together
Listening to our favorite song
Singing every note, not caring if it was wrong
Days like this I won't forget
Especially the day we met
I remember every moment we spent together
Like giving my your jacket in the cold, rainy weather
As the clouds above tell me stories from the past
I now live every day like it would be my last
Ciara,
ReplyDeleteI love this poem because it is really deep and emotional. I love how you're thinking of this person who used to be here with you in a happy light rather than a sad and depressing one.
I can't really think of anything that you could improve on. The rhyme scheme of your poem was A,A,B,B. Your tone was sad and it had sorrow in it, but it had a hopful light as well. I liked your use of the words dreary, and joy. They helped me understand the lines better because they are descriptive words. A way you used alliteration was when you said "sweet smile". You used personification when you said that the clouds told you stories. You used onomatopoeia in the line "Thump goes my heart, like a softly beating drum."
-Franchesca
-Ciara, I really liked your last stanza. I was very deep and sweet. I would have liked to see more lines like in the last stanza. I can't really think of anything else. The rhyme sheme was A.B.A.B.The tone was emotional, soft in a way kind of depressing. diction was "As the clouds above tell me stories from the past. I now live everyday like it would be my last."
ReplyDeleteThe imagery would be "thump goes my heart like a softly beating drum". Alliteration slow like a snail. The internal rhyme was used in the three line of the first stanza I can't help but think then of your sweet smile.Someday I wish to see you again, even if only for a while, in the the first stanza in the third and fourth line.The personification was used the clouds above tell me stories, in the last stanza the third line. The onomatopeia was used in thump goes my heart in the first line of the second stanza.
Jenna Pierce
Ok I know my comment is nothing compared to Franchesca's but I just need to say that that was amazing Ciara :) It was sweet and incredibly deep! keep it up :)
ReplyDeleteMHS Drumline: Cymbols
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ReplyDeleteThis poem is about love, and loving someone you can't have or can't ever see. Why aren't you able to see each other anymore, what happened? (first stnaza, last line) What stories are being told that makes you want to live everyday like it's your last? (last stnaza) Overall, what do you think your poem is about? Who or what gave you the inspiration to write this poem? Simile's: "thump goes my heart, like a softly beating drum" - "slow like a snail, hours pass throughout this dreary night" - "as the clouds above tell me stories" - "days like this i won't forget" Allusion: Song - love, romance, happiness, excitement, true feelings, enjoyment, and be around those you truly care about.
ReplyDelete-Jayla
This poem is about a loved one or someone that is very close to you, and your'e not with them. One question I have for a particular line of the poem is 'someday I wish to see you again, even if only for awhile'. Does this mean he's dead or he lives far away because it seems like you're never going to see him again. One question I have about a particular stanza of the poem is the 4th stanza. It seems kind of sad, but it's a good way to sum up the whole poem. One question I have about the entire poem is, how did you write this. It seems like a really sad poem and it's kind of depressing.
ReplyDeleteThe four examples of similes in your poem were 'like a softly beating drum'. 'Like a snail'. 'Like it would be my last'. 'Like giving me your jacket'.
Some symbolic words are love, sadness, rain, music.
The comment above was from Courtney Bunner^^
ReplyDeleteThis poem is about a person losing a loved one such as a wife losing her husband. One question I have for a particular line is in the 14th line it says, "Like giving my your jacket in the cold, rainy weather." Is the "my your" a typo or just a funky way of saying it. One question I have about a particular stanza of the poem is in the 3rd stanza. Did they find their song on the first day they met? That's pretty odd if they did. One question I have about the entire poem is that if the poem is really about someone losing a loved one or is it about your boyfriend Lucas?
ReplyDeleteFour examples of simile or metaphor in this poem are "thump goes my heart, like a softly beating drum, slow like a snail, now I live every day like it would be my last, as i lay here in my bed."
Like giving my your jacket in the cold, rainy weather is an allusion of cold and rainy day. This makes me feel gloomy but then happy because the guy gives her the jacket out of love. This reminds me of being in my house while it's raining during the summer, and just starring into the pouring rain.
Trevor Russell