Its december 2012
and the Earth has turned to hell
I start my hike to the highest mountain
to be the last to see this planet
there were ways I could be saved
but id rather stay wand watch the earth blow away
I finally reached the highest peak
to watch the world end at my feet,
I watched the oceans spill over the hills
like water at a beach
there were cracks all over the land
the world was coming to an end
As i watched the world fall in
a large erruption filled the air
there was a largre explosion and then a ball of fire
and as i watched the last surviving city die
I asked myself why, and then I felt myself fall
and I knew the world has ended.
Excellent use of "near rhymes" which creates assonance, like 'peak' and 'feet' or 'saved' and 'away'
ReplyDeleteYou paint a very good picture of what it would be like to be at the top of a mountain looking down...it is also very dream-like and the 'fall' at the end could be you waking up from a dream...that would be a great idea for your last stanza.
One suggestion I have is to use onomatopoeia to allow us to hear what is happening. For instance You could say the mountain is rumbling as it falls down. I would also like to know what the speaker is thinking and to feel more of his emotions. I would be interested in reading more about what is going through his mind as he sees the world changing around him.
1) More free verse than a specific Rhyme scheme, but I enjoyed your use of assonance to give it a rhyming quality.
2) The tone is filled with chaos and confusion, yet almost dream-like and melancholy.
3) The use of 'hell' really brings the reader into a tumultuous moment...I was thinking to myself, "could it get worse?" Also saying that you are watching the 'earth blow away' is a great contrast to the actual destruction that is taking place. It seems so violent, but with those words, you make it seem so natural and calm.
4) I pictured a man on top of a mountain filled with amazement, horror, and wonder as huge waves crashed around him and the earth broke apart. Again, it was very dream-like for me.
5) "hike to the highest - line 3 also "surviving city" - line 16
6) "spill over the hills" - line 9
7) I did not find much personification, but I thought you could say something about the ocean swallowing the hills or a large explosion yelling loud threats on the world.
8) I could not find any, but you could say the fire "crackled" as it burnt the earth or the oceans "swooshed" over the earth...or something like that.
Keep working to develop this poem...you have some great imagery and you are doing terrific work with it!!!
From, Mr. Patrick
Good Aspects-
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the word the scariness and horror in the poem. I also enjoyed the rhyming you put in, it was more of assonance then rhyming each word perfectly.
Improvements-
I would use more onomatopoeia in your poem. It would make the poem easier to visualize. Also, the i's in your poem need to be capitalized.
1. There wasn't a clear rhyme scheme, it was more of free verse style.
2. The tone was a scared, freaked-out man looking around as the world slowly fell apart from under him.
3. surviving city
4. "I watched the oceans spill over the hill"
5. hike to the highest, line 3
6. stay-away, line 6
7. I didn't find any personification.
8. No onomatopoeia.
Daniel Berrebi
I love the image of being at the top of a mountain and watching the whole world literally vanish away. You could almost have the whole poem start from that moment, using each line to describe what you see gradually getting erased.
ReplyDeleteDr. Benson