http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/2545147/On_top_of_the_world
On Top of the World
At start I am blended into the shadows,
A young soul being waited on to unravel,
The greatness I will become in my life,
Something to be proud of while lacking strife.
Though my journey is long, time is never wasted,
I travel in front of the hardships I've tasted,
They follow and taunt me, they hiss with the wind.
Saying,"You'll never make it. Why did you begin?"
At times my mind feels like turning around.
The only problem now, is I can't find my way down.
But the people I've met encourage me on,
They tell me I'll shine even when I'm gone.
The storms are hammers pounding me down,
The trips and misses as mocking as clowns,
But all I can think of is the crown I'll bestow
Once I get to the end of my road.
It will be a place as beautiful as gold,
Like the ending of a fairytale that has been told.
The beautiful silver lining of a cloud,
With silent trumpets playing proud.
And alas I see it, as bright as the heavens!
This place that is mine, with only best intentions.
Beautiful and grand, yet far from the sand
A place where only I can stand.
At end I am no longer blended into the shadows,
No longer a soul being waited on to unravel,
My greatness has finally been unfurled
For now I am truly on top of the world
I relly loved the personification of your hardships, it was really descrive in the second stanza. I love how it is a fairytale-like journey as a metaforical journey of life.
ReplyDeleteI think you could have been a bit better in your rhyming in some spots, it isn't a consistant rhyme scheme. I also think that you could use exclamation points more often.
1-the scheme varies but it think it is an a,a,b,b
2-The tone is hopeful and persevering
3-unfurled, unravel, and hardships
4-I loved the imagry of storms like hammers
5-pounding down line 1 stanza 3
6-grand and sand sanza 5 line 3
7-hardships that hiss stanza 2 line 3
8-hiss stanza 2 line 3
Emily Raque
I like they way you worded the poem, the entire thing is really good. You don't need improvemnet for your poem. Rhyme scheme is A A B B. I think your tone is courageous, three interesting used of diction are silent trumpets playing proud, silver lining of a cloud and travel infront of the hardships I've tasted. An example of imagry is place as beautiful as gold. I can't find alliteration. Internal rhyme you said grand yet far from the sand. Personification you used taunts tha follow you. Onomatopoeia used is the wind hissing with the wind. Nada Aboraya
ReplyDeleteO.M.G. I wish I had your depth. I love how it is a story of and in its own.
ReplyDeleteNo improvements. It was a fabulous. I don't think you can improve poetry, because even the imperfections (of which there are none) give it its own soul.
1. A,A,B,B
2. It's hopeful and determined and the stuff Odessyes are made of.
3. Unravel, strife, "storms are hammers"
4. Your entire fourth stanza is imagery gold.
5. "Playing proud" Stanza 4 line 4
6. "Beautiful and grand, yet far from the sand" Stanza 5 line3
7. "The trips and misses as mocking as clowns" Stanza 3 line 2
Jessica Nelson
8. The hissing wind Stanza 2 Line 3
1) The poems about a journey to a fabulous world.
ReplyDelete2) 5th stanza 4th line, how are silent trumpets playing proud?
3) 6th stanza, what is this world you speak of?
4) How is this peom so detailed?
Four examples of similes/metaphor: storms are hammers pouding me down, trips and misses mocking as clowns, place as beutiful as gold, and as bright as the heavens.
Shadows - drakness, dread, black, hiding, eerie, scary, alone, afraid, gone, missing, disappeared.
Nada
1. When I was reading you poem i really felt like i was looking into an average high schoolers life just waiting to be their own person and not just go with the crowd.
ReplyDelete2.One question I have for a particular line of the poem is line 4. I was wondering what you meant by strife because i feel likes its an important element to your poem.
3.On question I have about a particular stanza of the poem is the first one. I am curious as to who it is supposed to really represent.
4. One question I have about the entire peom is were you got the inspiration to make such a deep poem.
a.The trips and misses as mocking as clowns
b.The storms are hammers pounding me down
c.It will be a place as beautiful as gold
d.The beautiful silver lining of a cloud
road-journey, life, path, passage, steps, time
Shadows-darkness, secluded, not involved, unheard
soul-angle, person, personality
Madison Thompson